The Future, the IOT, the End of the World

March 30, 2015 emcdermott

Nearly a decade ago, I was on a road trip with an administrator from my university and I filled some time with verbalizing my take on the future of cell phones. While now that prediction seems common sense, it wasn’t at the time. I’ve therefore decided to put my latest prediction in print — that of the future, the internet of things, the end of the world.

Come and pier with me into my crystal ball!

Ok, so maybe it’s actually made of acrylic and maybe it’s my fish tank. That doesn’t mean it’s not magical.

Actually, let’s first go back to my 2005 prediction, so that you believe in my magic fish tank of wonder. This was way back when people still used their voice boxes more than texts. Remember those days?! At the time, I had a fancy flip phone with a rainbow of colored LED indicators on its face. There was a tiny color display, too, and this was hot shit at the time. I could even take teeny, tiny pictures! My university administrator companion had a Blackberry or something like it with monochrome, text-only e-mail capabilities. This was an even bigger BFD at the time.

I mused that very soon a cell phone would not be a phone much at all. The term “phone” would be a complete misnomer, because every other function on the device would be more relevant. It would be a person’s everything, every device. It would be their thing, not their phone, because if they left the house without it, they would be rendered impotent, ineffectual — useless.

He said he thought things were already that way because it he could take pictures and read his e-mail. I laughed and said, “yeah, but how great are those pictures? People still want a separate camera that’s just a device for taking great pictures. And it’s still a lot easier working on a full-sized computer for your e-mail and web browsing. You still need a computer every day to do your job. In the future, these devices are going to be all that plus way more than we can imagine now.”

I think, looking back now, I was pretty spot on. And now that we’ve all moved along down the road, I think I can see a lot farther up the path. Shall I share with you what I see?

THE FUTURE

Oh good, you’re still here! So maybe you’ve noticed that cellular devices were getting smaller and smaller…and now they are getting bigger again. Meanwhile, computers are getting smaller, and smaller. Maybe you’ve also seen this image from Apple:

So what’s the ultimate end point of this? Yes the watch on the left is very small but it still pairs with an iPhone and a display of a phone will still be preferable to any wearable device for a while. Will the sizes converge into something midway between full-sized monitor and tiny watch face but with capabilities of a full-sized computer? Yeah, sure, that’s very possible. Phones now have exponentially more computing power than the first computers I toyed with. But I’m looking beyond even that. It’s actually already pictured in the image above. You see how the displays you need to purchase get smaller and smaller and smaller, until… nothing? That’s it. In the farther-out future, it’s going to be nothing.

But Erin, what the fuck are you even talking about?

Calm yourself and I will tell you! This brings us to….

THE INTERNET OF THINGS

The best example I can think of to explain my ideas is also one of the most unexpectedly dynamic industries of the past 20 years: not circuit board manufacturing, not robotics, not space exploration, but simple cartography.

Back in 2001, when I was 19, MapQuest was just becoming a thing. Yeah, most people knew about it, but it still sucked a lot of ass and was not to be trusted for the most part. When I set out for Washington, D.C. for a Napster rally (yes, Napster, remember that?), from Rochester, N.Y., there was no way in hell I was using an online route-mapping service. I bought a paper atlas and got a real, analog pen and real, analog paper and traced out my journey turn by turn. I consider this to be a valuable old-timer skill that will give me an advantage over Gen-Y-ers when the zombie apocalypse hits… but I digress.

So then what happened to maps? Yeah, MapQuest eventually got pretty damn good, and then everyone was printing out directions from the site before they embarked on their trips. Then GoogleMaps put MapQuest to shame and became a #1 choice in the People’s maps. Then what? Yeah, so then everyone got cell phones with enough computing power to have GoogleMaps in their pocket. I mean, it took iPhone users a little longer, but we’re all here now! So that’s it, right? That’s the end of that line of innovation? Nope. You know what is still a desirable luxury option? Navigation systems in cars. Yeah, you could pull out your little phone screen and dick around with it in a dark, robber-filled parking lot trying to position it so that you can see it while driving… and then scour your floorboards looking for the charger, ’cause, oh dammit, the battery is dying! OR. Or you could turn on your higher-end car and let its already powered and perfectly positioned display take you where you want to go.

And that’s the future. The car makes your phone, the Thing, your everything machine obsolete because it’s connected to the grid. Ok, so not really internet, just a satellite signal, but still, it’s not guiding you by the shadow the sun casts. Sorry, Eratosthenes.

Oh no, Now Ive — Oh no, Now I’ve Gone And Made Eratosthenes Sad

When we become surrounded more and more by devices capable of connectivity, a cell phone will become, for the most part, irrelevant. Think Orwell’s 1984 where Big Brother is just a monitor away, and where monitors are part of every room. With the Cloud, every access point, whether in your car, your television, your refrigerator, a welcome sign in a hotel lobby, a beer coaster at a bar, can be capable of the same computing power, because the computing will no longer need to be done at the device. It need only be a capable messenger of questions up to the Cloud and answers back down…and in reverse with more and more frequency as time continues.

There is just one additional thing this scenario would require, which brings us to:

THE END OF THE WORLD

For an individual to have secure connectivity to all that the Cloud would allow, including medical records, prescriptions, traffic violation records and above all, control of their bank accounts, one thing is still needed: a unique identifier for each individual a lot more protected than your Google+ identity, and yet, very similar to your Google identity, as it would be used for a great multitude of things. Everyone would need a unique log-in someone else couldn’t easily fake. Suggestions were made for how this could be accomplished a couple millennia ago.

There are differing takes on this passage — was it meant literally or figuratively? Let’s take the following as a literal prophecy for this imagining:

Revelation 13:16-17, King James Version

16 And he causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads:

17 And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name.

Would that be an RFID chip, a tattoo, another sort of impant, or the mapping of some biomarker a little more likely to stay a part of you than your thumb? Who knows. I think it’s a good bet it would be made a fairly permanent part of your body, though.

As long as a person’s identity could be uniquely and accurately defined, the technology to do so wouldn’t become obsolete so soon, whereas the Apple Watch, which has computing power, will be obsolete when the next generation is released 14 months later. No, in the Cloud-based world, the Cloud can continue to make leaps in advancements even while the individual’s key to Cloud access remains static. There would be little risk in jumping aboard as an early adopter of identifier technology — at least in all things not related to your soul…

…because, be forewarned:

Revelation 14:9-11, King James Version

9 And the third angel followed them, saying with a loud voice, If any man worship the beast and his image, and receive his mark in his forehead, or in his hand,

10 The same shall drink of the wine of the wrath of God, which is poured out without mixture into the cup of his indignation; and he shall be tormented with fire and brimstone in the presence of the holy angels, and in the presence of the Lamb:

11 And the smoke of their torment ascendeth up for ever and ever: and they have no rest day nor night, who worship the beast and his image, and whosoever receiveth the mark of his name.

Day in the Life

Happy Birthday, Jesus!

December 26, 2014 emcdermott

Merry Christmas, everybody!

Taking a moment to think about what that really means this year, my mind wandered to a strange place. Namely, this:

"Happy brthday, Jesus! Make a wish!" — “Happy brthday, Jesus! Make a wish!”

It’s doubtful that Jesus was even born in December, but if today actually were his birthday, I imagined his Dad showing up with a big cake all a-glow. Jesus might be told to make sure he blows out all the candles and to make a wish. And maybe those candles are actually all the souls of the saints from yesterday, today and forevermore. Really, what more would He want?

Although I managed to creep myself out with the idea, the more I thought of it, the more scripture came to mind that made it seem not so far-fetched.

After all, we are likened to candles,

“…thy whole body also is full of light…” Luke 11:34

“Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.” Matthew 5:16

And isn’t human blood the wine that God has pressed here:

“…Thrust in thy sharp sickle, and gather the clusters of the vine of the earth; for her grapes are fully ripe. And the angel thrust in his sickle into the earth, and gathered the vine of the earth, and cast it into the great winepress of the wrath of God. And the winepress was trodden without the city, and blood came out of the winepress…” Revelations 14:18-20

Surely that is creepier than my candle-soul cake musing.

And isn’t it Jesus’s father who gives him the elect, much like in the cartoon?

“My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all; and no man is able to pluck them out of my Father’s hand.” John 10:29

Yeah, I don’t think anyone with half a mind would try to knock that cake out of of the hands that created the stars and man-eating dragons and lava-spewing volcanoes and all the rest…of the universe. Nopes. You shall not pass.

Now I don’t think Jesus would ever want to blow out our candles, but luckily, I don’t think he has to to make a wish.

So, merry Christmas, with blood wine and carnage and flesh-eating dragons and also ultimate safety from all those things!

Day in the Life

Learning to Infographic and Adobe Illustrator on Surface Pro 3

December 24, 2014 emcdermott

Here I’ll share my first experiences with learning to use the touchscreen interface of the Surface Pro 3, Adobe Illustrator, and a digital pen all for the first time — all at the same time. Going full tilt with learning them simultaneously was probably my first mistake. Don’t worry, there are more mistakes to learn from below!

After the sweat-filled, harrowing experience of putting down all that money for the SP3 at the Microsoft store, I took her home, and gently tore her apart. I let shitloads of updates run and even updated the N-trig Wintab driver for good measure.

That was Mistake #2.

DO NOT UPDATE THE N-trig Wintab Driver. DO NOT!

At least not for as long as this guy:

http://surfaceproartist.com/blog/2014/5/29/surface-pro-3-what-runs-what-doesnt

says: “Illustrator 18.0.0 x64 (CC 2014) – runs (intermittent pen with N-Trig Wintab R16, R17)”

I found out that “intermittent pen” is code for “totally fucks up everything” — at least in conjunction with Adobe Illustrator. I even went to the Microsoft store to find out why my pen would complete a stroke with the paint tool and then not for the next 7 attempts, and then draw a line and then give up again. After giving trouble shooting an exceptionally thorough go, the Microsoft pro offered, “Erin, do you like wine?”

Me: “well, yes, yes I do. Why?”

MSDude: “Does your Surface Pro 3 like wine?”

Me: “…uhhh…”

MSDude: ” … I think it’s drunk.”

Thank God Rick Rodriguez, the author at surfaceproartist.com was able to explain that it was the N-trig Wintab driver and how to fix it! (BTW, if you find the info on Rick’s site valuable, be sure to show him with a lil donation.)

My first objective was to learn Adobe Illustrator and the art of creating Infographics — at the same time, as I stated earlier. This was also before I had figured out my driver issue, so there was that extra frustration to contend with. I was about to pick up 1 more clusterfuck to complete the trifecta…

I went over to Lynda.com and jumped into the Creating Infographics with Illustrator course by Mordy Golding.

Mordy Golding's Lynda.com Infographics Course — Mordy Golding’s Lynda.com Infographics Course

Now, before I go on — this course is great. Mordy Golding? Also great! What wasn’t great was trying to deal with all the other things I was learning + driver problems when drill Sergeant Golding was shouting out Mac commands on the regular. That extra brain-processing half-second step of converting Mac to Windows speak on the occasions when the Mordster didn’t call out both would frequently squeeze out my last drop of patience.

In the end, I learned a lot from Mordy about Infographics and Illustrator and I’m glad I took it. I just wish I’d taken this other course first — a real, live, in-person “Beginning Illustrator” course at Lillstreet Art Center in Chicago with Cameron Keleher. The easy-going, “no worries” Aussie gave us plenty of playing around time and was happy to answer any question that popped up. And a bonus — the center had Macs for everyone so we were all speaking the same language. After a lot of practice during those 12 uninterrupted hours of Illustratorness, I feel tons more comfortable with the drawing capabilities in Illustrator. I mean, just look at this amazing artwork I shat out during part of the last class:

Don’t be jealous. Just go visit Cameron’s class at Lillstreet!

I’m definitely glad I took both courses, though, because they made it seem like I learned 2 completely different programs. The capabilities and applications of Illustrator are that broad!

Some other quirks I’ve noticed:

1. Even without the Wintab N-trig driver update installed, the pen is glitchy with Adobe Illustrator. It still works intermittently, but not to the point I’m happy for the insurance that protects me whether or not I throw it through a window. It’s workable. Just know it may not be you. This is especially true with the brand new Touch Workspace in CC which I imagine is still having the kinks worked out of it.

2. The pen is also glitchy with Chrome. The scroll feature usually doesn’t work and sometimes drop-down menus can only be used with the trackpad. Zooming and panning in Google Maps can get beyond weird, too.

3. While Microsoft programs like Live Paint seem to do a pretty good job of not picking up paw prints if you rest the side of your hand on the screen while drawing with the pen, Adobe Illustrator is pretty shit at it. Looks like a half-mitten like people use with a Cintiq to keep the screen from getting goobery — like this Kickstarter glove:

— is advisable for now. I hope this is something getting looked at by Adobe/Microsoft.

Good luck and if you have your own advice/experiences, please share!

Day in the Life

Surface Pro 3, Digital Art and Conquering the Universe

December 23, 2014 emcdermott

Ok, so maybe this is really just about the first 2 things…

I’ve noticed there’s been a lot of search traffic lately to my site for Surface Pro 3 + Digital Art + insert synonyms. Maybe people are researching last-minute Christmas gifts, or writing some last-minute Christmas lists, or something else for whatever other holiday around now where people get cool stuff. Whatever the case, it seems now is a good time to give a review after I’ve played with my Surface Pro 3 for a few months.

To give an idea of where I started — I’d never created any digital media before. Not really. …at least not to the scale of the real paint paintings I’ve spent months or years on. I’m an accomplished artist, but going digital was a scary and completely alien universe. So, of course, I was set on conquering it. Like a boss.

I finally decided on the Surface Pro 3 as my gateway drug for a few key reasons:

Despite the reportedly unparalleled performance, the Wacom Cintiq Companion is comparatively clunky and not built for several hours of public transportation every day, plus it’s even more expensive. Later in my research, I learned that users found the Cintiq’s screen would get hazy from scratches after a while of use, but SP3 has Gorilla Glass. Not Gorilla Glass 1, not Gorilla Glass 2 like on my Galaxy phone, but instead, No Screwing Around Gorilla Glass 3.
Apple doesn’t make any product like this yet, so no contenders there.
Every other product, despite advantages did not compare to performance overall.

The only real sticking point left was the flimsy keyboard cover on the SP3. I was afraid that when the bus or train I was on rolled over a body, the machine might detach itself from the keyboard on my lap and go flying. Now that I own it and have used it a while, I know this is a real concern (more for the computer than the bodies, but only slightly). After spending hours researching covers and trying to visualize the bus thump-thumping over a carcass with the SP3 on my lap, I decided on this – the ESR Intelligent Series Case:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00MICZDPA/ref=cm_sw_su_dp

I theorized that as long as I kept the keyboard firmly against the case when open, nothing should go flying*. The clips around the screen are surprisingly snug and don’t get in the way of buttons, ports or swiping motions around the perimeter like a lot of the other cases did. Another bonus: the pen is also a lot less vulnerable tucked away inside the case when placed on top of the screen instead in the hanging-offy-in-the-wind tab Microsoft gives you. The only noteworthy drawback is you can’t access the micro SD slot on the back of the machine, but it was a small price to pay.

*Use this shit at your own risk.

Here is an exceptionally clear photo of the case and SP3 in action:

Photography Skillz Set to IHaveAFluThisIsGoodEnough Mode

I ended up choosing the Core i5 with 8 GB RAM. The 4 GB would have probably been just fine for learning to digital art and word processing/browsing type stuff, but I wanted this thing to last a while. I also wanted the option of being able to run optical simulation software at some point, and for that 4 GB would be a sad, paltry excuse for adequate processing power. I’m an experienced pc murderer, so I know, having driven more than one machine into the ground with optical software.

Next post will be on my adventures with actually trying to use the thing with Adobe Illustrator and such. Spoiler Alert: It’s proven to be a great little wonder-machine but I definitely have some tips I’ve learned the hard way to help you avoid headaches and fury.

😀

Day in the Life

Fantasy Game Artwork Commission? Cruenti Dei Gets Inked

November 11, 2014 emcdermott

I heard through my social grapevine (thanks, Paul!) that Sardarthion Press, a publisher of fantasy role playing games, was in need of an artist. After the publisher perused my online pieces, he decided to take a chance on me, and I decided, “never done anything as weird as this before…that’s a good enough reason!”. And so began my adventure of sticking my toes into this new and bizarre genre.

I was very nervous that I wouldn’t be able to recreate a feel similar-enough to artwork in previous publications, especially since the style and application was far removed from the majority of my experience. Plus, I had to create some humanoid-lizard-and-ant-creature type people characters. These things had biographies and personalities and that had to show in the images. Wait, what? What did I get myself into?

To help me get it right, my first questions were to help me acquire a good understanding of the game, the world it takes place in, the psyche of the dinosaur-man-monster, etc. The author, Thom Ryng, was kind enough to give me a crash course on his game creation, Cruenti Dei:

“…strategic fantasy game, where every player is a different country. Each turn represents five years. The various countries on the largest continent (Sahûl) are federated into an elective empire (sort of like the historical Holy Roman Empire). Each turn in the newsletter, a portrait of the current Emperor or Empress is printed. (That’s where I come in.)

“There’s magic. The gods are real and aid their worshipers. Technology is early Renaissance, so cannons AND magic. Yowza. (Yowza, indeed!)

“Imperial culture ranges from quasi European in the northeast to pseudo Chinese and Japanese in the west.

“More info here: http://www.sardarthion.com/?page_id=42

“The empire has four major kindreds, and only one of those are Human – and they aren’t really considered “civilized” by most of the others.”

So I needed to do 2 official-type portraits of humanoid leader things in this otherworldly society – 1 lizardy thing and 1 ant-type thing. I was going to need some more information. There are rules about their appearance and they have personalities, and… oh wow. Luckily, there was still more info Thom helped me out with… For the badass insect lady creature:

“Insect-like sentients known as Malebolge dominate western Sahûl. (Yes, badasses, check.)

“…Malebolge are descended from ground-dwelling hive insects similar to ants. They generally have six limbs, although some males may only have four. Different castes vary in size from the graceful Queens, who may be taller than Wenemet, to some Workers, who are two-thirds the size of a Saurian. (Oh wow, that’s a lot of stuff.)

“…All positions of authority and power in Malebolge society are held by females. The males are considered mentally inferior and, in some places, held as chattel. (Tee-hee-hee.)

“…This particular Malebolge is Countess Cir’ik VIII of Kicitchat. She lost an eye during the duel that guaranteed her accession to the throne of Kicitchat. She has just been elected Empress of Sahûl.” (Woah, a one-eyed ant empress?? This will be fun.)

I started letting my hand get accustomed to drawing insect people and played around here:

sketch_SardarthionPress1 — Malebolge Sketch

Most of the picture would be made up of folds of fabric and patterns, so I decided I wasn’t too worried about her portrait. I was very worried about his, though.

The dude I refer to is the lizard man warlord Mr. Ryng describes here:

“Saurians are descended from a group of herbivorous, hollow-crested hadrosaurs similar to Parasaurolophus. (Oh, right, of course. Wait, what?)

“They believe strongly in tradition and any new innovation is likely to be justified using past precedent, no matter how obscure.
Saurian society is legalistic almost to the point of ossification… (K, crochety. Got it.)

“Their head crests are (in polite society) always hidden by a hood or hat, except when they are at prayer. A Saurian army is typically equipped with the heaviest armour and weaponry available…” (So dude is gonna need some sort of head dressing that I have to come up with and I gotta make some armor for him, too. Alrighty.)

In addition, there was a portrait of a real human person that Thom wanted the artist to draw inspiration from.

So, to recap, I needed to come up with a humanoid lizard creature with a big bump thing on his head, something covering the bump, armor…oh… and he will have to have a similar expression as a certain grumpy old man. I got this. Here were my first doodles:

Sketch2_SardarthionPress — Saurian Sketch

I tried to not think about the resemblance to Madonna too much and resolved to simply make the final version not pop-star like at all.

It was exhilarating to think that I would shape the mental image of these characters for all the players of this game…shaping a virtual reality of sorts. What a challenge. What an honor!

The author gave me feedback and further direction on what he wanted and I set out to finish the pieces as quickly as possible. There was a tight deadline and since I’m away from home 12+ hours every day during the week, I had not a lot of time.

The dinosaur guy did prove to be as difficult as I anticipated, and I believe the author winced so hard he didn’t even want to tell me over my first two attempts. Finally, though, we arrived at versions for both that satisfied him.

SardarthionPressArtwork_web2 — Carberic the Usurper

SardarthionPressArtwork_Web1 — K’ivik the Deposed

More than anything, this exercise made me wish I already had the Surface Pro 3 I finally bought afterward to help me take my art digital. These originals were done in real, actual ink-type ink and I was not able to adjust the contrast with layer adjustments alone in Adobe Photoshop. Instead, there was a lot of time-consuming, painstaking pixel-by-pixel manipulation with a mouse on my somewhat ancient laptop. “Ohhh how I wish I had a digital pen for… dammit!….’undo’…ohh, I wish I had a digital pen.”

The final versions of these without the snazzy, gigantic watermarks can be seen here on the Turn 23 editions on page 28 (“132”) for the Malebolge here:

http://www.sardarthion.com/cruentidei/resources/news023c.pdf

And on page 28 (“132”) for the Saurian here:

http://www.sardarthion.com/cruentidei/resources/news023k.pdf

Do you want to play Cruenti Dei? Well you can! Here’s a link with more information:

http://www.sardarthion.com/?page_id=52

Happy gaming!

Day in the Life

“Better Butter!” Magical Skin Potions Now Available For Sale

November 7, 2014 emcdermott

Back during the brutal winter of 2007, my heterosexual lady friend and I lived together in New York, battling arid death-desert, heated indoor air together. I didn’t have a job then, and couldn’t afford to start up my car and use gasoline too often, so I stayed indoors a lot. Really, I was a prisoner of sorts.

…a prisoner in arid death-desert, heated indoor air.

Death-Valley_crumbled — Death Valley, a.k.a. Fairport, N.Y.

After a while, my dry skin recoiled so much from the extraterrestrial conditions that it began to revolt. Cracks appeared along every crease in my hands and feet and then they began to bleed. Things were worse than just getting ugly — they were friggin painful, and my friend didn’t fare much better.

We tried every cheap solution available in bulk sizes – aloe, baby oil, Vaseline, baby lotion. Nothing helped. It’s a wonder our outsides didn’t die of thirst that winter!

I think back now on that time and wish I could send back to my former, broker, younger self a crap-load of this amazing hard lotion and “lip lotion” I have now that the same friend I lived with formulated recently. IT’S AMAZIBALLS. (And yes, that is the proper spelling of “amaziballs”, I’m sorry if you can’t accept that.)

When my friend gave this to me as a birthday gift after my poor hands, feet and lips had just gotten through a similarly terrible Chicago winter, it changed me back to looking human again overnight. Like I said, AMAZIBALLS!

Oooohh!:

Better Butter! Hard Lotion — Most Amazing Body Butter Ever.

Ahhhh!:

Better Butter! Lip Lotion — Best Feeling Lip Stuff Ever.

For a limited time, the last of her latest batch are available on E-Bay for sale!

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Heavy-Duty-Body-Butter-Hard-Lotion-and-Lip-Balm-For-Not-Homeless-Person-Skin-/111488846166

I don’t know if there will be more available after this, but I’m pretty freakin sure it’s not gonna be a balmy 75°F all season, either. If your hands run away screaming from you this winter, well, they’re in your hands now!

Day in the Life

Dublin, Ireland, You Sexay Thang, You

October 21, 2014 emcdermott

Dear, Sweet God, thank you, thank you for Ireland.

My first time ever in this beautiful, though thinly gene-pooled haven of awesome was on my way back from my first stint living in Germany, in 2006. At that time, my bounding enthusiasm for life itself had been tempered by the somber, smile and sarcasm-inept strangers of Ulm, Germany’s streets. Ireland brought me back to believing in humanity’s potential again. This visit, although only for a day, wasn’t much different.

I went from getting knocked over in Augsburg’s streets and scolded at the Memmingen airport (ok, I deserved it, but still), to “oh, so sorry love”‘s and “I beg yer pardon, dear, how are you there?”‘s at the slightest accidental nudge at overpouring street corners. One of my first phrases in Ireland was “wie bitte?” at a small convenience shop inside Dublin’s airport. Obviously, that was not English spewing from my muddled brain. Yet, the sweet clerk managed to set a smile back upon her freckled cheeks after my confusing speech knocked it off and try to make me feel as least weird as possible.

I fucking love you people.

I took a touristy type bus from the airport to downtown Dublin. I believe it was a 3-day or so unlimited pass for around €20. So that would get me to the airport and back during my 1-day trip– a lot cheaper than 2 taxi rides! Thank you smart phone, for making this possible. It was called the Airlink and picks up right outside the doors of the airport: http://www.dublinsightseeing.ie/airlink/index.aspx

After checking into Eliza Lodge (which I knew was going to be awesome because all things Eliza are awesome), I took a stroll around the Temple Bar district.

This is when a German dude walked up to a jacketed civil servant, who was obviously an Irish citizen, and asked for directions. I was standing against the side of a building waiting for my phone to pick up the free wifi which radiates from certain street corners in Dublin, when it went down. The Irish guy said he had no idea as he only moved to Dublin a short while ago (From Another Part Of Ireland), and then…pointed to me. “You’d probably have better luck seeing if that woman could help ya out. She looks like she’d know a lot better than I would.”

“Uhh.. I … haha… uh.. me? I only got here 2 hours ago! I think you beat me. Really!”

The Irish dude still didn’t believe me despite my horribly nasal ‘Muhrican accent and continued to insist the German dude ask me directions. Obviously, I was a local, whether I admitted it or not.

Damn. I really look like where my genes came from, I guess. Like, a ridiculous amount.

I kept touring around and spotted this building which immediately made me think of my dear friend, Nicholas:

Hot White Walls, Black Shadows...The Aroma Of Strange Eastern Spices, Bazaar Delights! The Scent of Sandalwood And Cloves. A Sound of Laughter And Music And Drums... — Hot White Walls, Black Shadows…The Aroma Of Strange Eastern Spices, Bazaar Delights! The Scent of Sandalwood And Cloves. A Sound of Laughter And Music And Drums…

Damn dirty, artsy clove-smoking hippies.

It was at about this point I realized I’d been in Ireland for several hours and was still despicably sober. I sought out to remedy this immediately.

Walking back across the River Liffey, I spotted Merchant’s Arch:

Merchant's Arch, Dublin, Ireland — Merchant’s Arch, Dublin, Ireland

I did not stop. I wasn’t feeling it at the moment. But not to worry! I would be back…

Then through a hole in the wall:

Then to the famed “Temple Bar” bar… I’d read reviews that it was a filthy, noisy, awful tourist trap, but I still had to see the tourist sight. I walked in, and gave the place a walk-through, just to say I’d done it. During my stroll, I heard every accent imaginable (!) except Irish. So I wasn’t feeling that either, and kept a-walkin’.

Man, I was getting thirsty.

I stopped at another bar and found they didn’t have sour mix. And I wanted a whiskey sour. I know, I know, I shouldn’t taint delicious Irish whiskey with syrupy sweet dilution, but I like it! So feck off! And… I kept a-walkin’.

And then, I came across the Auld Dubliner, and decided it would do just fine. I would drink a drank there. No matter what.

A couple guys at the downstairs bar were all-out staring at me with full-power creeper-stare. “No matter what,” echoed in my mind, and so I walked up to the upstairs bar while still watching the creepy gawker men.

And that’s when I walked up to Thomas and finally ordered my first drink. I ordered my shameful whiskey sour and he gave me something with lemons and limes in it and a whole shit-load of whiskey. I was pleased.

Thomas asked me where I’m from. I said New York. “Where in New York?”

“It’s Upstate. You’ve never heard of it.”

“Where,” he asked again, except it was more like a statement.

“Uhh.. Rochester, New York? Yeah, see, you’ve never heard of…”

“I’m going there next May! Really, Rochester? You’re from Rochester?”

“What. The…. Fuck? Uhh.. Yeah. How… how fucking weeeeird.”

And then, me and Thomas became buddies. The crazy bastard will be bartending at Sheridan’s on Mt. Hope and doesn’t have a friend in the region yet. He’s not sure how he’ll find a car or an apartment. Like I said, he’s a crazy bastard. That’s why we’re friends now.

Thomas The Best Bartender in All of Ireland

Anyhooters, I’m trying to see if some of my homeboys ‘n homegirls can lead Thomas in the right direction for the things he needs, but if you are sane and awesome and have a room to rent or a cheap beater car he could buy temporarily or know where he could get these things, please do get in touch!

By The Way, this guy helped me do one of the coolest things I will ever do in my life when I got to buy my friends, Zack, Jennifer and Jay a round of drinks via This Guy a month after I left Ireland. Like I’m telling you, Thomas is the coolest bartender…ever. Rock on.

I left the Auld Dubliner, because, as awesome as it was, I only had 24 hours in Dublin, and I still had more to see.

I wandered the streets and saw amazing street musicians perform. One woman was singing with just a man accompanying her on a guitar and managed to charm an entire street corner a dozen people deep.

Earlier, I had walked by Garage Bar, which looked like the divey-est dive bar that ever dived, and decided I should check it out when the sun was down. I went back, and my expectations were not disappointed. I ordered a cider and eventually had to get rid of that cider. The bathroom was a hallway with unisex stalls and unisex sinks and unisex everything. It was… unsettling. Luckily, cider.

Got the fuck out of there and went back toward the action in Temple Bar. That’s when I happened upon a lively, jolly, sing-along time full of youthful, pretty people. “Yes, this will do!” I decided. I squeezed my way into the pub, took a deep breath, and attempted to make my way through the packed crowd of tourist sardines toward the bar. Halfway there, I was stopped. I was stopped by a glass pitcher directly in front of me being smashed into fragments across a young man’s forehead. The music stopped. The crowd gasped collectively gasped. And once again, I got the fuck out of where I was.

Soooo.. I thought I might as well visit Merchant’s Arch, the pretty pub I peeked at earlier while crossing the river!

After just a minute at the bar, my new friend, Gerard invited me to join his table and we had a lovely time! The most amazing band ever happened to be playing — Hot Whiskey (https://www.facebook.com/pages/Hot-whiskey/168845386604338) — and they had the entire bar going. There were sing-along, dirty, filthy Irish ditties and cover songs, and everything else good that is song. Here they are doing a cover of Johnny Cash’s “Folsom Prison Blues”:

The next morning, somehow, I woke up. I had the breakfast included in my stay at Eliza Lodge at the adjoining restaurant and I died a little due to its deliciousness. I’d already eaten a lifetime’s allowance of pork products on this Euro-trip (normally I never eat them — “pigs are filthy animals,” as Samuel L. Jackson would say), so I figured, “fuck it, I’ll go for the typical Irish breakfast”. And thar ’tis:

The view at the table was fantastic in an of itself — watching the passersby along the river could have occupied me the entire day —

–if not for my afternoon flight.

I got a couple postcards for family members on my way out. And then one blew away. I thought, “well, fuck it, I’m wearing a skirt. It’s hard enough not showing the world my world. The postcard — it was The Thought That Counts, DAMMIT.” That’s when a pedestrian chased after my stray card and caught it. She ran it back to me breathlessly and I found it extremely difficult to say, “oh thank you so very much!” instead of my first impulse of, “holy fucking shit, I love you and your country. Have my babies!”

Oh, Ireland, I hope to see you again soon, my love. Thank you for teaching me hospitality and effervescent kindness and beauty and to alcohol.

Love, Erin

XOX

Uncategorized

Germany Part 3, Augsburg – Getting Trampled by Beast Men and Adorable Baby

October 15, 2014 emcdermott

Although Augsburg, DE was never my home, it is a familiar place to the point it evokes a strange feeling of comfort. That is — when I’m not getting trampled by large beast men. Of course, it certainly helps that a very dear friend, his lovely wife and his adorable new spawnling also reside there.

Nevertheless, my buddies wanted to give me a real touristy tour type tour of the place, and I think we all got to see parts of Augsburg we’d never seen.

First up, we broke into this gaudy piece of architectural magnificence — the Goldener Saal in Augsburg’s town hall. We stared up and around in awe of the detail and beauty created by ancient artists reaching us through oceans of time.

I especially liked these weird little carved dudes decorating the walls:

Looking out from the “golden room”, I spotted a rainbow spread across the town! But…but, I’m pretty sure we’re inside the pot of gold. What could possibly be over there?!

The next day, we went on an official, guided tour of Augsburg, and got to see the Goldener Saal again! Yea! This time we learned that the building was pretty much obliterated in WWII and this was a complete reconstruction. Talk about a buzzkill…at least there was the Fuggerei on the tour to look forward to!

I half believe my friends took me on the Fuggerei tour because in German, G’s sound a lot harder than English G’s — it’s almost like a “K”…and…well, think about it. My friends expected me to break into giggles everytime I heard the word “Fuggerei” or heard mention of the “Fuggers” – the family that runs the Fuggerei.

Ok, so maybe they were right.

The Fuggerie is a social housing project that dates back to the 1500’s and is probably the only successful one in existence…unless you count Cabrini-Green. Oh, I just made myself chuckle. Ha! I was pretty impressed that such a thing existed. Old man Fugger was a very rich dude and built some very nice, though plain residences for needy Catholics who vowed to pray daily and pay (something like) a buck a year. Here’s a pic of inside the complex (and other tour-takers, not Fuggerei-ers):

When we went inside one, I recall noting that it was much bigger than the last apartment I rented in Chicago. My friends thought it was tiny. PFFT.

There are a few factors I believe led to the success of this housing project:

1. There is limited space in these things, and if you are lucky and blessed enough to get in, you really, really don’t want to screw that up. People tend to live there until they die.

2. It’s gated and if you come stumbling home after 10 p.m., you need to pay a guard to let you in, or you’re out in the cold that night. That would serve as a pretty good deterrent for debauchery, too.

3. Back to point #1, there is limited space and so there are strictly abided selection criteria. You have to earn/win a space to get in.

I don’t think any U.S. housing projects had such stipulations attached to them…

We continued strolling through the city center and right before we were about to take in the lovely sun-shiney moment below, I was bowled-over by a gigantic German dude on a steep hill who would have literally knocked me over if not for my friend breaking my fall. And then gigantic beast man kept on walking without a word or hesitation… There’s nothing more interesting to that story — just wanted to mention that that kind of shit sometimes happens in Germany, because… comparative social weirdness. Oh look, the sun is out!

Our final stop on the tour brought us to this breathtaking statue which, when created hundreds of years earlier, mysteriously foretold the final game of the 2014 World Cup between Brazil and Germany.

Either that, or my brain was tired of listening to German and just made shit up. Really couldn’t say.

Later that day, I scored my own VICTORY. Much of this was brought home with me… NOM NOM NOM. I don’t know why I got so much milk, but it tastes Totally Different in Germany, omagerhd. So good.

German Chocolate, Yogurt, Milk, Fat-licious Yogurt — These Are a Few of My Faaa-vorite Things!

And then another remnant of the World Cup victory, which I’m told is an absolute oddity in this anti-nationalistic country when it’s not a Cup year:

Later, we went out to dinner, and I embarrassed my gracious hosts with the Sauberer Saubär when I was confused about the word “Saubär“. It’s kind of like when you call someone a “dirty pig” or a “lazy dog”, but in a really cute way that you might admonish a child. It means “pig bear”. Trouble is, it sounds a lot like, “sauber” which is an adjective meaning clean. WTF? So I made the “clean dirty pig bear” because it’s just as ridiculous to my silly American ears.

The next day, my gracious hosts, presumably pissed about the “pig bear” thing at the nice restaurant, tried to finish me off. They thought they would take my fat American ass for a hike around the world and up and down mountains. OK, not quite. I survived, afterall! It was an absolutely picturesque trip to the Ammersee:

I could have sat and stared at this beautiful lake all day:

Unfortunately, my friends wanted to get to that killing-the-American part of their weekend. So, they took me half-way up this mountain thing — the castle circled shows the tippy top:

I couldn’t be agitated though, ’cause I was too busy trying to keep from giggling as they tried to push the all-terrain baby stroller up an Alpine mountain. 😀

It was sad to leave the next day, especially the part where I had to say goodbye to my new surrogate niece. She was Not Happy and “couldn’t even”. 🙁 So heartbreaking! At least I had one last beer garden at the airport to console myself with:

And also, the flight to Ireland was pretty entertaining, or at least the part where I tried to imagine the badass they needed to make this caution sign for:

Please No High Heels and No Lighting Up a Cigarette Before You Jump From the Burning Aircraft. Vielen Dank.

There’s a sign. You know it happened at least once.

Hoping to see you all again soon, my Germany-residing darlings. I’m missing you already so very much!

Day in the Life

Germany Part 2 — Kirchheim, Ye Olde Stomping Grounds

October 11, 2014 emcdermott

Ahh, Kirchheim. Ahh, Owen, Germany. When I left you, I wasn’t sure I’d ever see you again! I knew it would have taken some extraordinary coincidence to again delight my eyes upon all those sweet, smiling co-worker faces I left.

…or, to give the fates a break, a stupid-expensive plane ticket…so… screw fate!

My dear, sweet old friend and former co-worker picked me up from Stuttgart and whisked me back to Kirchheim. And then, off to Reutlingen to have dinner with another former co-worker who escaped and the other 1.5 fabulous people in his new family. It was then that I learned I’d be trying Croatian food for the first time, as my buddy is from Croatia and knew of an authentic place to grab eats. I was so excited to try cevapcici for the first time; can’t you tell?

It was actually pretty damn delicious! Although the digestifs our hostess kindly passed out to us not-pregnant people at the end nearly ended me. A younger me would have tried to finish it anyway…but older, wiser me thought ahead to the dark, winding, zig-zagging road ahead of us still that night…and begged my Croatian friend to finish mine.

On the journey back to Kirchheim, the navigation system shot out this image, and, maybe it was the turpentine I just tried to choke down doing something to my brain, but I died laughing:

For some reason, the word, “Kitteneshalde“, got turned into “Kitten Schade” in my mind, and all I could think of was that most epic scene in Boondock Saints… you know the one I’m talking about. Anyways, though, the real word doesn’t mean that at all. 🙁

The next day I had to myself to get into trouble as my old friend had to go to work…at the office where I used to go to work… it was a very strange feeling. It almost felt like I was playing hooky. Luckily, though, I knew the town I was in well and had a list of souvenirs to pick up (read: chocolate), so I made good use of my time.

As I strolled into the town center, I came across this marvel. Now, the definition of irony tends to be an often debated topic in some circles I travel in. May we now lay the topic to rest with this? This. This is the definition of irony:

Yeah. Looks like they took German words and phrases and just…directly translated them, e.g. verbesser –> Forbetter. The only thing funnier than this sign was probably the lone American hysterically laughing in front of it to the point of tears in the midst of a busy public square. See, then we all get to enjoy!

There were a couple extremely important items to pick up besides chocolate, and one of them was the contact solution I was running dangerously low on. Damn you international fluids-on-airplanes police and me not wanting to check a back ever during my entire galavanting trip. Damn you. So there I was… looking forever for contact solution…when I found this:

Eenie, Meenie, Miney.... — Eenie, Meenie, Miney….

Shit. Well, which one would you pick? Apparently, I did O.K., ’cause I never went blind. Yea!

The other essential item on my list was one that made me extremely thankful to be trotting around a place I once lived: it was gelato, and my mental map of where to get the stuff had not faded whatsoever. BOOM!

If you're in Kirchheim and need gelato, I can help... — If you’re in Kirchheim, Germany and need gelato, I can help…

It was all too soon time to leave my mini day-trip, but not before I snapped this pretty pic of this familar town hall and grimacing German faces. Aww… I miss you.

Back at my friend’s house, a surprise BBQ was being prepared! And the surprise turned out to be me. He invited the office of old coworkers and new ones I hadn’t met and told no one I would be there. Little trickster. And there was meat! Lots and lots of meat. And bruschetta.

I’m so lucky. I paid back my gratitude by getting into an argument in German with the first guest to arrive — a new guy I’d never met. My buddy laughed about how I didn’t know what he meant by the “Hugo” store when he told me about it earlier (then he showed me the Hugo Boss website… and…ohhh… yeah). New guy decided this was a keen opportunity to lecture me on how Americans have a shitty, myopic worldview. I retorted with something like, “maybe our worldview is made up of more important things than brand names”. And then there was silence and I noted that his face was turning red and asked if he was ok. (He was ok, thank God.) WINNING. “GERMAN FLUENCY LEVEL +1”, I said in my own head.

When Norbert Aldiek arrived at my friend’s door, I heard his familiar and extremely distinctive voice and got so excited that I forgot to play along with the game of me being a surprise. I shot up and ran to the door shouting, “ich kenne diese Stimme!” (I know this voice!) He stared, mouth agape with his hands up ready to catch something. For the first time since I met him, he had no words. Norbert told me later that he was mustering every brain cell to conjure my name through the shock of it all without success until finally, “ahhh.. McDermott!”

I try to keep the friends I mention on here anonymous out of respect for their Google factor…and other things…but…I mention Herr Aldiek because he is a famous author now and celebrities should just expect this type of thing. Here is the wunderschön optics book I begged to see which Norbert contributed to:

Handbuch Bauelemente der Optik by Naumann, Schröder, and Löffler-Mang

After some time spent pondering the parts he created,

I decided I was super proud of my old friend!

In case you happen to need an excellent optics handbook auf Deutsch, well, you’re welcome:

http://www.amazon.de/Handbuch-Bauelemente-Optik-Grundlagen-Messtechnik/dp/3446426256

I left Kirchheim and its castle Teck (at the tippy top of the mountain/hill in the top image, btw, how the hell did I ever walk up there before, that was crazy), with my belly full and my heart full to overflowing. I felt so happy and blessed to see all these beautiful souls again and congratulate them on marriages, babies, books and their own epic vacations… Yeah, sometimes you just have to stop hoping for fate to reunite you with amazing people and go visit your family, already! Thank yous guys again for all the additional joyful moments you gave me this time around. Ich liebe euch!

Day in the Life

My Light Fixture Baby Won Awards!

October 7, 2014 emcdermott

Just found out a lighting fixture I worked very hard on designing and making badass — Juno Lighting Group’s T259L Wall Wash — won national recognition by 2 organizations! That’s my girl!

One is recognition of excellence in the wall wash/graze luminaires category of the Next Generation of Luminaires Indoor Competition:

http://www.ngldc.org/14/indoor/winners/T259L.stm

Juno Lighting Group's T259L Wall Wash is My Baby — Juno Lighting Group’s T259L Wall Wash is My Baby — Makin’ Momma Proud

And to the judges’ comments on glare: it’s a whopping 4,400+ lumen fixture constrained within ~1 inch source-to-exit-aperture length — FFS, don’t stare into that!

The other is inclusion into the 2014 IES Progress Report which is not officially announced until next month. http://www.junolightinggroup.com/au-awards

What made her so awesome? Well, my optical design yields high efficiency plus superior uniformity of color and illuminance distributions over competitive products using COB arrays and a custom, painstakingly, digitally sculpted high-reflectance reflector. I turned 2 circles of light into a square-ish pattern on wall…when shined at an angle. Just thinking about the basic geometry of it all, she’s pretty awesome. Except she looks better in white…or silver…anything but the black. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN IT WAS PICTURE DAY AT SCHOOL! I AM A HORRIBLE MOTHER! Fortunately, she’s still a great kid, regardless…and launching soon: fall 2014!

Erin M. McDermott

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Germany Part 3, Augsburg – Getting Trampled by Beast Men and Adorable Baby

Germany Part 2 — Kirchheim, Ye Olde Stomping Grounds

My Light Fixture Baby Won Awards!

Engineer, Artist, Fairy Godmother